Filling a void

“I was never addicted to one thing, I was addicted to filling a void within myself with things other than my own love.”

Yung Pueblo (via Swiss Miss)

It’s easy to say that it’s falling down a rabbit hole on Twitter. Or following a chain of recommended videos on YouTube.

Planning out a new keyboard build when I don’t actually need another one. Thinking through a new task management system when the old one would work fine if I used it instead of ignoring it to seek out something better.

But it’s all just filling time instead of using it.

Looking for something that’s already there, like a person with their glasses perched on top of their head.

My therapist keeps asking “What would it look like if you accepted yourself?” I haven’t had a good answer.

But I think what it wouldn’t look like is this dopamine-seeking loop. Hungry for something outside myself, but never really feeling full.

I always have a better day when I’m in the moment, with myself, paying attention and acknowledging what I care about.

But it’s often easy to let that slip. Not just because of how easy it is to find distraction, but how quickly the impulse to evade the present moment can take hold.

I would like to learn to be better at accepting the discomfort of the moment without having to expect that the result will be positive. That the outcome isn’t what gives something its value, but that the effort itself holds value.

And maybe that can help fill that void.