Author Archives: Chris Csont

Becoming a better writer. Becoming a better Homo sapien.

Not Dark Yet (Not even a little bit)

With getting back into albums, today I sat down with the new expanded release of Bob Dylan’s Time Out of Mind.

I listened to this album a lot in high school. It came out around the time I got my first guitars, so I was downloading chords and tabs to play along with it.

At the time, I thought of it as an album about an older artist grappling with mortality. Dylan was only in his mid-50s when he made this album. He’s still recording and performing 25+ years later, so I’m going to chalk that mindset up to a teenage misunderstanding of what old means.

Listening to it now, I remember most of the lyrics. It still invites slipping into the grooves of the songs like gliding along a rain-slicked stretch of highway in the middle of the night, miles from city lights.

Lyrically it feels like the space between moments:

  • I’m sick of love / That’ I’m in the thick of it / This kind of love / I’m so sick of it
  • It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there
  • I could offer you a warm embrace / to make you feel my love
  • I know you haven’t made your mind up yet
  • Last night I danced with a stranger / But she just reminded me you were the one / You left me standing in the doorway cryin’

Liminal spaces. Ghosts of feelings haunting the narrator. Discomfort with the pace of life.

Now it feels less like a conclusion and more of a transition. An uncomfortable middle ground where things aren’t like they used to be and haven’t become something else yet.

And maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’ll have another opinion in 20-some more years.

Albums over playlists

Last year I fell in love with a Spotify feature that created personalized playlists several times a day around what it predicted was your mood. They had ridiculous names like:

I enjoyed not having to spend any willpower picking music. Most of the selections were on point (although I did take it personally how many times “yearning” was a keyword). The algorithm knew how to spit out more of what it already knew I liked.

Then they took the feature away.

None of the other Made For You playlists felt quite the same. Instead of one playlist that screamed “THIS IS FOR RIGHT NOW,” I got a dozen or more playlists each day to choose from.

But another thing happened in the last few weeks: I’ve started listening to entire albums again.

In the days before music streaming services became my default, albums were my preference. If I was really in a groove working on something, I might just loop an album.

Some prime examples:

Back then, music was in a concrete library. If I wanted something to vibe to, it was either spend lots of time curating a personal playlist (aka procrastinating), or find something that I knew I could just loop and run with it.

Maybe it comes from growing up in the CD and 56K modem era, where it was easiest to listen to complete albums. It’s odd to say there’s a nostalgic quality to putting on a whole album, but here I am.

Even though it’s early in the year, I feel pretty safe saying that 2023 will be all about albums for me.

Procrastination doesn’t make me feel better

Procrastination makes me feel less.

Makes me think of a moment from Ordinary People:

CONRAD
I can't do this. It takes too much energy to get mad!

DR BERGER
Do you know how much energy it takes to hold it back?

CONRAD
When I let myself feel low, I feel as lousy.

DR BERGER
Oh! I beg your pardon! I never promised you a rose garden...

---

DR BERGER
A little advice about feeling, kiddo... Don't expect it always to tickle.

Pause and ask three questions

Talking about intrusive thoughts, distraction, and procrastination with my therapist, I worked out a structure to pause and redirect my attention.

Stop what I’m doing/thinking.

Take a slow breath.

Ask myself three questions, in order:

  1. What am I feeling?
  2. What do I need?
  3. What will satisfy that need?

It’s for doom scrolling, dopamine-seeking behavior, and intrusive thoughts. It’s for any time when it’s possible to recognize what I’m doing in the moment isn’t something that’s helping me align my actions with my identity.

It’s easy to forget that what I’m doing in the moment has meaning later on. Those twenty minutes scrolling TikTok or imagining a worst case scenario don’t come back later.

These questions interrupt the cycle of procrastination/distraction > guilt > shame/sadness > procrastination/distraction, and so on.

It’s like one of Brian Eno’s Oblique Strategies:

Honor thy error as a hidden intention.

Stop > find the reason for my actions > address the reason.

It’s a practice, not a one-and-done realization. I can still find myself ignoring my own advice, or not having the willpower energy to follow through.

But it’s helping me a little. Maybe it can help somebody else, too.

Returning to Final Fantasy X

Screenshot from Final Fantasy X cutscene of Yuna and Tidus.
Pictured: A cat and a golden retriever.

I still need to finish Breath of the Wild, and my Animal Crossing residents are probably dealing with abandonment issues. Sorry, but Final Fantasy X gets to live in the Switch right now.

All I want to do when I have some time to play a game is level grind and watch cut scenes of these dumb dumbs wrestling with their feelings.

The last time I traveled to Spira was back on the PS2. I’ve forgotten most of the plot, and I’m pretty sure I never actually completed the game.

A problem I had back in the day was getting impatient toward the end of games and not building up the necessary equipment/levels/skills to tackle the final challenge. Or I just walked away if the final quest felt tedious (sorry, Windwaker).

So Final Fantasy X feels right for the moment. It’s comfort gaming that feels immersive, but not too immersive. Lots of things to do and see, but a clear path.

Because the game is mostly the same, but I’m different now. And playing through feels differently because of it.

If Great British Bake Off has taught me anything, it’s that it’s important to have hobbies you enjoy where you’re not focused on monetizing it or being the best. To have things you do where the only thing you’re producing is joy for yourself.