Three things where if you check them too frequently, youâre only setting yourself up for disappointment and anxiety.
Put down the flipper, take your finger off of Refresh, and breathe. Donât touch those things more than is strictly necessary.
Things my daughter believes we need to bring with us in case of a fire
The other morning at the breakfast table, my almost-six-year-old daughter started laying out her whole life plan for me. I wound up recording about 14 minutes of it, since Sprout was really on a roll (yes, her Eggo got cold).
She had everything planned out:
- Her career
- Her spouseâs career
- Where they were going to live before and after they had kids
- How many kids she was going to have
- What pet each kid was going to have (and be personally responsible for)
- Where her brother Button would live, and how Button would take care of the kids she already had if she was giving birth to the younger ones (because she expects her spouse to stay with her in the hospital âjust like you did with Mom.â)
- How they would all evacuate their house in the event of a fire
Hold Up â What was that last one?
Sheâs been very focused on what to do in the event of a fire.
- Whoâs going to get Luna?
- What if weâre outside and canât hear the smoke detectors?
- What if a fire starts when weâre asleep?
- Will we go to the front yard, or the back yard?
- No, really, whoâs going to get our cat? We wonât have time to put Luna in her carrier.
The other day she made an emergency kit in a pile on the couch:
- Snugglies, including Fletcher (her forever favorite) and Sushi Cat.
- Toys
- A coat, in case the fire happens at night when itâs cooler
- A blanket
- Snacks
Sheâs a very structured kid. She likes process and routine. It makes sense to her. So sheâs drafting this all in her mind when she starts thinking about fire.
And sheâs thinking about fire a lot lately. Sometimes so much that she says she canât think of anything else.
But itâs not as if suddenly thereâs been a lot of external references to fire that sheâs been bombarded with. We donât live near a fire station, nobody we know has dealt with a fire recently, and the only time weâve ever had to call the fire department was years ago for what fortunately turned out to be a very minor issue.
So⌠Yeah. Where did this come from?
Buddy Holly, âBen Hurâ, space monkey, Mafia
Years ago my friends and I would riff on âWe Didnât Start The Fire,â adding new verses to this random jumble of baby boomer buzzwords. Looking back on that word salad, it feels like a proto-Twitter stream.
And I think about that because of all this around us right now. The ambient anxiety. The multi-pronged, world-on-fire assault on our attention every day.
With all that going on around her, and being a young kid, sheâs processing only part of whatâs going on. She understands social distancing, and she understands why she canât play with her friends, why school closed, and why (for a long time) she couldnât even go near her grandparents.
A fire is smaller and easier to respond to than all this.
Sometimes it comes up to the surface
Before bed time every night, Sprout and I read together. Normally I prop myself up in her bed with a few of her snugglies, but the other night she asked me not to use Nice Bear.
âNice Bear has a fever,â she said, âAnd snugglies donât have vaccines. But they do have medicine. So sheâll get better, but you shouldnât put her in bed tonight.â
The subtext of her anxiety has always been about this pandemic, but it doesnât always come out as directly as it did in that conversation.
Sprout is an intense extrovert who was cut off from her Young Fives Kindergarten class months ago and has spent most of that time with me, her mom, and her baby brother. Nothing about this new normal feels normal to her.
She craves the world that sheâs known for most of her life and thatâs kept just out of reach.
When we go out into the backyard, she makes up Star Wars themed games and tells me to do voices (My Ewan McGregor Obi-Wan has gotten pretty good over the last two months). But what do these Rebels and Imperials do every time we play?
They plan birthday parties. Or Christmas. They invite guests and think about food and games and presents.
Itâs the flip side of her panic planning about fire safety.
She could have adventures in the farthest corners of the galaxy, but all she wants is to play games with some friends and share cake.
What I can and cannot do for her
I can hug her as many times a day as sheâll let me.
I can tell her sheâs loved, and her mom and I will do everything we can to keep her safe, no matter what.
I can wear a mask, and can be vigilant about my own exposure when I have to venture out into the world without her (especially soon, knowing that Iâm required to teach face-to-face in a classroom).
I can pretend to be Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader and, yes, even Luke Skywalker, if thatâs what she needs.
But I cannot make sure that her school is safe for her to attend.
And I cannot convince every person to make the small concession for the health and safety of others and wear a damn mask.
And I cannot single-handedly convince the federal government to just try and do better.
I cannot step into a clean suit and stare into a microscope until I have an a-ha moment that allows me to save everyone with a simple answer nobody has thought of.
And I cannot be all the friends she misses. I cannot be a kid.
We do not have a metric for all weâre losing
We can measure the lives lost.
We can measure the number of people who were infected.
We can measure the number of people who were exposed, or at least the number of people who were able to get a test because they thought they were exposed and were able to jump through whatever hoops were required of them to get a medical opinion.
We can measure the number of people filing unemployment claims. We can measure the number of businesses closed or filing for bankruptcy. We can measure the value of the stock market and the GDP.
But we have nothing that measures how many good ideas will never be put to use from the people weâve lost, or because the people still living havenât been able to think about anything other than their fear or anger or exhaustion.
We canât measure the achievements, advancements, or good deeds lost. We canât even guarantee that some of these things have only been delayed.
We cannot know the landscape of the path we shall never travel.
And if we cannot have some kind of measure to know what we could have achieved if our nation hadnât been forced a poisoned cocktail of unpredictable, indiscriminate disease and conscious, callous government disinterest and disinformationâŚ
All we can do now is the same thing we could do before.
Wake up every day and try.
Force yourself out of the doomscrolling (literal and figurative) and find that small patch of goodness that you can tend.
If you donât know where to start, make a list of the essentials. The things you need now, and any time that all this feels like too much.
And donât forget to include snacks and snugglies.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes, But They Do Wear Masks
I think people should wear masks, and I want to be clear about why.
Treat this like a story
Tell yourself that 2020 is a story where you get to be the hero.
What kind of hero do you want to be? It comes down to how you either put on the mask, or you donât.
Choose the option that could prevent yourself and others from getting sick, or choose to assert that your personal agency and comfort trump concern for others.
On one side is Captain America, trying to save as many lives as he can, and always willing to put his personal interests aside if people need help.
On the other side is John Galt, unconcerned about the greater population; only interested in proving how special he is and being celebrated for it.
No mask on your face tells everyone who has to come in contact with you that youâre okay with them getting sick or dying because they just donât matter to you.
Picture the masked barista being told by a maskless customer in a mostly empty coffee shop that she doesnât need to put her mask on because ânobodyâs in here.â
The maskless are saying that unless they know and care about you personally, youâre not a person worth saving. Youâre part of the acceptable losses. Your blood can water their freedom tree.
COVID-19 isnât an invisible antagonist â It has visible allies
The man who refuses to wear a mask because he thinks it makes him look weak, but then finds out that even outwardly strong men get sick, and sometimes die.
Or the woman yelling at the grocery store cashier about how the masks and the shortage of coins are connected, and everyone, including the cashier, is in on a global conspiracy.
Or the man with a bulging forehead vein screaming in a CostCo that asking him to put on a mask makes him feel threatened. Or the woman in a store calling people Nazis for saying she needs to put on a mask.
For all the talk some are spreading about anarchists in the streets, the people truly fighting against any kind of governance or shared social contract, and who want a lawless land of individual freedom, are the people who refuse to wear masks.
And if they will not change, they are going to hold us all hostage until doctors and researchers can finish their work.
What makes me so certain about masks?
Iâm not.
But look at the options:
| I Wear A Mask | I Donât Wear A Mask | |
| Masks Reduce Infection Rate | Iâm helping save lives in a small way. | I may cause more people to get sick or die, and donât do anything to mitigate it. |
| Masks Donât Reduce Infection Rate | I tried to help, but couldnât. | I couldnât help and didnât try. |
Whether or not masks help at all, wearing a mask better aligns with my ethical values. Not partisan. Not political. Morals and ethics.
I should try to do what good I can for others, and live as best I can without actively harming others.
Itâs a little like the trolley problem
Youâre on a trolley, hurtling toward a group of people stuck on the track. You can pull a lever to divert to another track and save their lives.
Or you can stay the course and ring the bell, screaming at the top of your lungs about how nobody is allowed to tell you that you canât ride the trolley wherever you want.
A mask may not be perfect and prevent every person ever from getting sick, but itâs enough to do a measurable amount of good in reducing the infection rate of COVID-19.
Rejecting it means you see a mild inconvenience to yourself as too great a sacrifice to ask of you in exchange for protecting the lives of your fellow citizens.
There is nothing patriotic or virtuous about selfishness and turning your back on your neighbors. Demanding your freedom from any responsibility to others can only deeply wound your own pursuit of happiness, and your life.
Because even if we disagree on everything under the Sun, even if you reject everything I hold dear, even if you would condemn myself or those dear to me for who they are or the beliefs they hold dear, I still think your life must have value and is worth trying to save.
Because no one is truly beyond hope, and we should recognize every person we see, and every person we donât, is connected to us. They matter to the people around them, and we matter to each other.
You are essential to someone. Probably many someones.
My mask protects you. Your mask protects me. And we can protect so many others if we drop the bullshit and offer each other even just a little grace and dignity.
Which scene are you writing: Fight, Negotiation, or Seduction?
Letâs assume that one of the main goals of telling a story is to reveal some deeper truth about its characters to the audience.
What we know about a character, what we can believe to be true about them, comes from watching what they say and do. Their actions reveal their character.
But people do plenty of things throughout their day that donât tell us much of any importance about them. They sleep, cough, use the bathroom, stare out the window, put gas in the car, and so on.
So, in writing to expose a deeper truth about a character, we need a way to push them toward meaningful action.
Which is what makes conflict important.
If your car skids off a bridge into a lake and starts filling with water, youâre not going to spend time changing the radio station or calling in a carryout order.
Conflict forces characters to take action to resolve that conflict to their benefit.
We learn whatâs important to them, and what they think are the best strategies and tactics to protect what they have or gain what they desire.
If these things are true, a scene without a clear conflict is a scene thatâs not revealing something meaningful about the characters to the audience.
Meaningful Conflict
Conflict is about unresolved, impeded desire: Somebody wants something badly, but theyâre having difficulty getting it.
A strong desire is [fueled by something that causes the character to suffer; something that makes them wish the state of their world was vastly different.
A character arguing with a cashier to accept an expired coupon is a conflict, but that conflict isnât meaningful unless itâs tied to some larger goal.
If they want the coupon honored because they donât want to spend an extra 75 cents on avocados, that reveals something about their character, but that conflict may not be an essential part of their story. Itâs an anecdote that reveals part of their values, but if they begrudgingly buy the avocados anyway, it may be wasted time for them and the audience.
If they canât afford what they think is the perfect birthday gift for their estranged daughter without this coupon, that argument becomes more meaningful. Thatâs fueled by some larger desire worth focusing on.
A meaningful conflict applies pressure to a character to act, because if they refuse to take action, their story ends.
I like to think about the scene in The Muppets where Kermit initially refuses to even try to get The Muppets back together and Mary (Amy Adams) breaks the fourth wall and says âThis is going to be a really short movie.â
If you have a clear idea of your characterâs desire, and you have reasons to put that goal in jeopardy, you need to think about the terms of that conflict.
And thatâs where Mike Nichols comes in.
Three Kinds of Scenes
âThere are only three kinds of scenes: negotiations, seductions and fights. Iâve finished. Thatâs all. All scenes come in one of those three categories. [âŚ] How often have you rehearsed a scene for two weeks, and said âOh my God, itâs a fight!â⌠And you can do the same with seduction, and, most of all, with negotiations, because thatâs mostly what we do in life, especially at home.â
Mike Nichols
Letâs break this down.
A fight is a test of strength or willpower. The winner of the scene is the one who can endure for the longest, or who can overpower their opponent.
This is about physical and mental toughness, as well as presence. Think about Captain America getting back up every time heâs knocked down and saying âI can do this all day.â John MacLaine walking barefoot over broken glass. Jen and Shu Lien dueling in a room full of weapons, continuing the fight even as weapon after weapon breaks. Dr. Ryan Stone climbing her way out of an escape pod and fighting her way back on to land.
A negotiation is a test of a personâs ability to craft compromise or display logical arguments. The winner is the person who is most capable of offering a logical solution in a way that makes their correctness obvious to everyone involved.
Think about Jo March crafting the terms of her publishing agreement. Michael Corleone convincing his brother and their associates that they can get away with killing a police officer as part of settling the score between two families. Stacker Pentecost showing up at a construction site to convince Raleigh Becket to stop hiding from who he is and get back in a giant robot to go punch monsters.
A seduction is about understanding and manipulating someone elseâs desires. The winner in this kind of scene is the one who can best read someone else and understand their deepest desires.
This kind of scene always makes me think of Darth Vader in The Empire Strikes Back. When he tries to convince Luke to stop fighting and join the dark side, Vader offers Luke the two things he wants most: A place of consequence in a larger story, and a sense of belonging. Luke starts the Star Wars trilogy feeling powerless and alone, far from where important things are happening. Vader offers him a place not only as his son, but as the heir apparent to dominion over an entire galaxy. Luke refuses, but he knows the temptation is there.
The Choice Isnât Always Obvious
You need to think about what kind of story youâre telling. Itâs not just about the genre youâre working with, but also whatâs most important to your characters.
As an example, I took a fairly trope-y scene (a bank holdup) and tried to spin it out as each one of these types of scenes.
Note: Because Iâve used these scenes before in the classroom, and itâs easier in that environment to shorthand some things by talking about actors instead of one-shot characters, I cast these scenes. For our purposes, Michael Keaton is the bank robber and Awkwafina is the bank teller he confronts.
First, the Fight Version:
Next, the Negotiation Version:
Finally, the Seduction Version:
Each one has its merits, and each one sets a different tone for what type of story you would tell before and after that scene happened.
The Fight version raises specific questions: Why is Awkwafinaâs character so ready to take action in a dangerous situation? Is there something about her past that prepared her for this moment? Is she going to face more fights as the consequences of foiling this robbery chase after her?
With the Negotiation version, weâre asking different questions: How did she stay so cool under pressure? How will her savvy handling of this situation help her in the future? Could it be used against her? How will standing up in a life or death situation like this change her perception of herself and how others see her?
And with the Seduction version, thereâs one big question: Can she get away with helping to rob the bank she works for?
But in each version, it starts with the same basic premise.
Iâm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to give me all the money in this bank.
Choosing which style of conflict works best depends on the story you want to tell before and after.
Life vs. Liberty vs. The Pursuit of Happiness
Between CostCo and every other store creating policies about who should wear masks while shopping and people sharing a dubious video suggesting that mandatory mask-wearing is part of a larger conspiracy to force mass vaccinations, thereâs a lot of grousing going on over social media and in public about masking up.
It ties in with the protests around the country where people are claiming that Stay At Home orders are an unconscionable threat to their freedom. They wave their Gadsden flags, yell about how measures to prevent a more deadly pandemic are just a test run for martial law, and demand their right to manicures, lawn care, and riding with more than one person in a golf cart.
Are there reasonable reasons to feel anxiety and anger over an inability to work, earn income, and provide for yourself and your family? Definitely. And reasonable problems can have reasonable solutions.
Unless some peopleâs unreasonable demands control the conversation.
A person whoâs upset that theyâre being asked to wear a mask or use one-way aisles in a store isnât helping the employees who need that store to be open so they can earn money.
That person is not making a principled protest about freedom. Theyâre throwing a selfish tantrum about their personal convenience.
I know a thing or two about recognizing selfish tantrums, because I have a five-and-a-half-year-old at home.
When I see this kind of rhetoric, and I think about part of what inspires it, itâs the idea that we are a nation founded on the principles of the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
But the words donât always mean what people want them to mean.
These Protests And Complaints Are Not About Liberty
When people make these protests about liberty and freedom, theyâre using a very specific definition of what kind of freedom theyâre interested in: Freedom from the consequences of their actions.
In the above example, nobody was forcing the shopper to leave the store without getting a toaster oven. No government entity banned the sale of toaster ovens, or specifically imprisoned this person within their home.
He was upset that he was unable to walk through the store in the manner he preferred.
Thatâs not infringing on his liberty. It is an exceedingly mild infringement on his pursuit of happiness.
And it takes some serious gall to publicly assert that your pursuit of happiness trumps concerns about the life and liberty of others.
The Pursuit of Happiness
Emphasis on pursuit.
Nowhere does it say in the Declaration of Independence, The Constitution or any of its amendments (or any other federal statute or decree that I’m aware of), that it is the governmentâs responsibility to make sure that every citizen is happy.
The only safeguard for happiness that the government provides is protecting its pursuit. Your happiness is still up to you, the individual.
So if that pursuit is considered a right, it needs to be considered that for a right to be truly universal, it must be equally true for all people that it applies to.
All Rights Inherently Have Limits
Your rights end at the border of another personâs rights.
You have a right to peaceably assemble and protest your grievances with the government in public spaces. You have no right to force yourself into the private home of a politician and stage a protest there against their will.
Youâre allowed to yell âFIRE!â if youâre alerting other people of a fire. Youâre allowed to yell âFIRE!â if youâre alone in your home or your vehicle and the spirit moves you. Youâre not allowed to yell âFIRE!â in a crowded building where no fire exists, because the ensuing panic could cause injury to others.
Youâre even within your rights to swing a big chefâs knife around wildly while singing selections of Gilbert & Sullivan, unless that knife winds up slashing or stabbing other people.
With that in mind, letâs look at the specific controversy of the moment: Youâre allowed to shop in a CostCo. Nobody has stripped your right to engage in legal commerce with this business.
But youâre being asked to make sure that your right to choose how exposed you are to a virus doesnât infringe on the rights of the other customers or employees who may be taking additional preventative measures to limit their exposure.
If you were to eat in a restaurant, that restaurant would be within its rights to kick you out if you walked into the kitchen and started sneezing and coughing on other peopleâs food. No one would suggest that you deserve the freedom to willingly contaminate the food of strangers.
This is a limit on individual freedom of choice that is not part of some novel campaign to turn the United States into a police state. Itâs a reasonable extension of the existing limitations on peopleâs individual actions to prevent them from infringing on the rights of others.
Itâs a reasonable attempt to protect peopleâs lives, the first, most important, part of that whole life, liberty, pursuit of happiness thing.
What They Say They Want Vs. What They Act Like They Want
People protesting to âreopen the economyâ and go back to pre-pandemic behavior say they want to be able to patronize the businesses they want, and to make sure that people are able to go back to work again and not have to worry about how to pay their bills.
Okay. Then we need to take into consideration how to do that with guidelines and practices that will protect the health of those workers and the customers they come in contact with. Without their health, those employees canât do their jobs, and businesses canât stay open.
So mask up!
But if masks, one way aisles, and plexiglass safety shields are too high a price to pay for businesses to reopen, then was all this bloviating really about the economy?
Or was it about the fear of those protesting that they would need to acknowledge that they arenât above restrictions? That their freedom has limits?
That other people matter?
The threats that stand to steal the life, liberty, and happiness from untold numbers of people demand a response that is organized and cooperative. They are challenges that demand the ability to see each other as valuable and trustworthy.
In the end, there can be no liberty without life, and the best chance we have at protecting our lives is to learn to live with trust in each other, and respect for each otherâs rights being equal to our own.
